Stranger with My Face (2009)

Tatonka Rating: 2.0
Director: Jeff Renfroe
Writer: Based on the Book by Lois Duncan



Lifetime Movie Network’s Film Synopsis: After the shocking and untimely death of her husband, Shelley Stratton (Catherine Hicks) moves her daughter Alexis (Emily Hirst) and her adopted daughter, Laurie (Alexz Johnson), to their remote summer house in hopes of giving her family a fresh start. As Laurie begins to settle in and put her life back together, she gets the eerie feeling that she is constantly being watched. Laurie's uneasiness grows when people start claiming to see her in places that she has never been. The family’s delicate state begins to unravel when Laurie unearths the dark past, discovering a twin-sister that she never knew she had. Laurie is forced to delve deeper into her twin’s secrets, for as it turns out her twin has been locked up for years! Laurie must now understand their strange connection in order to prevent her sister from taking over her life and harming her loved ones. Based on the book by author Lois Duncan.

My Film Synopsis: After the chick from Devil’s Diary’s father dies (in this movie named “Laurie" instead of "Dominique"), she moves to the island where her family has a summer house. She has a hard time making friends, because all the boys she made out with during summer break really didn’t expect to have to see her at school every day (and now they have to explain who she is to their girlfriends). After telling everyone else in the world except Laurie that she is adopted, her mother (the nice lady from 7th Heaven who has been playing a mom in movies and on television since she could speak) finally tells her the truth, and supernatural hijynx ensue.

Suggested Tagline: “Because Your Twin is a Crazy Slut …”

Stranger with My Face is an evil twin movie with a twist that was pretty disappointing in terms of being really entertainingly bad until about the last hour, and also in no way followed the book I remember. In the book, the main character finds out she has Native American roots, which helps to explain the spiritual aspect and makes it a much more interesting story (and can you imagine the magical crap Lifetime could’ve spun out with some clichéd Native American folklore? Even one tomahawk would’ve gone a long way).

The first thing I noticed was the score, which was most likely royalty free and also sounded like a sampling of variations on the Law and Order theme song … or the soundtrack from one of two hundred romantic mystery comedies starring Julia Roberts.

As the movie begins, we get about one minute of plot set-up; we see the main character, 16-year old Laurie painting in her living room (which is apparently in a large city … which can only mean we’re in New York City, as we learn later) and visited spiritually by her father seconds before he dies when he is hit by a car just outside. I do appreciate how fitting it is that Lifetime killed off the father (who did not die in the book), because we need him gone to understand that women are much more powerful when they’re on the loose.

The great lesson learned immediately (and never really recanted or revisited) is, “When your husband dies, the right thing to teach your children is that you need to run from your problems in order to be happy again.” The family packs up their apartment in New York and heads for their summer home on an unnamed island. We are reminded of how painful death is (and why running is justified) when they arrive to find family photos (that look like they came with the frame or a wallet) at their new home.

The first night in their new home establishes that every single night on this island is so stormy that the power goes off, and they search for batteries, only to find the opportunity to tell us for the first time what the now dead father did for a living; because they find fully-charged batteries for which he was responsible, they remark, “He was pretty practical for an artist.” As we know, typically artists can’t even figure out how to put their pants on the right way, often needing to be taken care of by other people who are charged with changing their diapers, providing them with clean drool cups, etc.

The story progresses at a snail’s pace, and we realize that Laurie has been seen quite a bit in town when she hasn’t even left her bedroom. She’s even accused of hooking up with the school cripple in a boat house. If you’re going to have an astrally-projecting twin sister, you better hope she’s not a total skank, or that she has good taste.

Laurie starts to sort of make friends on her first day and befriends Helen, the school deviant, played by an actress who might turn into Shannen Doherty in 30 years. Helen’s rebellious acts include reading true crime novels on the steps when she’s supposed to be in class and acting as an armchair psychologist for anyone that tries to befriend her. She also gives Laurie permission to “go nuts,” which she seems to follow for the rest of the movie. Despite only being in the movie (at least awake and not in a coma) for about 10 minutes, she is Laurie’s best friend in the world.

I have to hand it to LMN for saving money on production costs by re-using teen couples from other Lifetime movies. Laurie hooks up with Jeff, played by the actor who was also Alexz Johnson’s one-dimensional male counterpart in Devil’s Diary. Do I smell an epic serial romance a la Meg Ryan/Tom Hanks? I think maybe there was a sale on creepy location rentals and they just decided to film two movies in one shot.

The most confusing element of this movie is its time line. I would expect some confusion of place and time, given there is a major focus on astral projection, but we never get deep enough into a traditional plot to understand how the plot gets screwy. At one point, as Laurie is going to meet Helen near the cliff outside her house, she sees herself (her twin) on the rocks. As she walks further to find Helen, she says, “Earlier tonight, I thought I saw someone on the rocks that looked just like me.” Earlier tonight as in 30 seconds ago? Most likely this type of definition of time is what makes the plot drag.

Not only does the plot not make any sense, but the mother is largely unresponsive to major events, even when Laurie is suspected of trying to strangle her sister Alex in her sleep. Whether it’s bad writing or Catherine Hicks’ complete resignation to the fact that she’s never going to have a real career, she is barely awake in most of her scenes. Her revelation to Laurie about her adoption is also treated by her as a non-event, and she explains that they left her twin behind because they were dirt poor and essentially could only afford to buy one baby.

One of the most entertaining things about this movie is the way it bases all its male characterizations on blatant stereotypes. Gordon, the douchey school stud, is the ultimate panty peeler. In order to seduce Laurie, he uses clever phrases like, “You’d rather curl up with that book instead of me?” He also tries to get her to succumb by attempting to convince her that his desire to do so is motivated by wanting to take her mind off her troubles and heal her pain. If Laurie’s twin hadn’t thrown him across the room from the next dimension, he certainly would’ve tried, “If you don’t do me, my balls will fall off and I will die,” or “If a guy stays a virgin too long, his penis explodes.”

Jeff is another excellent stereotype; the misunderstood, damaged (in this case, crippled) boy that seems to be bad but is actually good. He is also a vehicle for showing how boys (especially the cute ones) prevent girls from having super powers; Leah tells Laurie that Jeff is in the way of her truly being able to astral project. Jeff is entertaining because he does intelligent, completely logical things like walking to Laurie’s house in the middle of the night along a busy highway and hanging out in deserted places alone or standing near cliffs when he’s almost been killed by the soul of his girlfriend’s twin four or five times.

Another thing this movie does well is avoid explaining complicated topics. If you don’t want to explain astral projection, all you have to do is show a montage of a character reading every book under the sun about it. We see Laurie learning everything she can about astral projection at the school library; when she pretends she doesn’t know what her twin Leah is talking about later, Leah simply calls her on it and we then don’t have to ever know what astral projection really means or any details about it beyond the generic. We just have to trust that someone else in the movie understands the concept and will lead us down the right path.

The movie doesn’t really get entertaining until Leah convinces Laurie to astral project so she can take over her body. And she does really dastardly things when she gets in there. Her evil deeds include, making breakfast for Laurie’s family, making friends with popular girls at school by giving them compliments about their outfits, trying to sleep with hot guys that like her and trying to fix Laurie’s reputation for being a total nutbag around school by behaving like a normal teen girl.

If you can make it through the first hour and a half, this movie gets pretty good, especially if you have Schadenfreude badly enough that you might enjoy watching a crippled boy get beaten by a semi-ghost with his own cane.

Reviewed by Julia Rogers

Tune into LMN Tonight for "Stranger with My Face!"

Just a reminder to get "deucey" tonight with Lifetime Movie Network's World Premiere of Stranger with My Face. Although we're sure it will be on another 20 times in the next month, don't you want to say you saw it first?

I actually do remember reading this Lois Duncan story as a teenager (because I was totally fascinated by the supernatural, and that was her thing), so I'm interested to see what they've done with it (and if they were able to crap it up enough that it will register on the Tatonka scale). I'm pretty sure that with the subject matter, budget and the cast, we won't be lacking in the over-acting and bad special effects department.

Of course, look out for and enjoy interactive special features at the LMN site related to this movie (including deleted scenes, etc.). As much as we rip on the quality of the movie buffet LMN provides for us, we adore it and can't get enough ... and would probably go to the trouble of organizing a telethon (which we would try to get Michael Nouri to host) if the news broke that it would be going off the air.

Sleeping with the Devil (1997) -- Warning, Spoiler Alert (but Totally Worth It)

Tatonka Rating: 4.0
Director: William A. Graham
Writer: Suzanne Finstad (book), Ellen Weston (teleplay)
Key Tampon Commercial-Inspired Theme Song: “To Survive,” Music by Chris Boardman, Lyrics by Michelle Myers
Suggested Tagline: “Honk if You’re Afraid of Dick.”
Actual Tagline: [Insert a Convoluted Series of Domestic Violence Clichés Here]



Sleeping with the Devil originally aired in April of 1997 as a CBS Movie of the Week but has since nestled its way deep into Lifetime’s misandry-based repertoire. Starring Shannen Doherty (pretending to be an aspiring medical student and a good person) and Tim Matheson (and his acid-washed-enveloped prosthetic ass), the movie lays out a cut-and-dried case for how when we, as women, abandon our principles by becoming Homecoming Queen or quitting medical school to become world-renowned fitness models just to please our future husbands we will be raped and nearly killed by a hired hitman. However, it simultaneously mixes messages by showing us how we will ultimately realize we need men (especially doctors who can give us new legs when we become paralyzed) to help us achieve all our wildest dreams after we’ve made a half-hearted go at trying to make something of ourselves on our own.

Sleeping with the Devil starts with a bang (literally), as Rebecca Dubrovich (Doherty) is seen slow-motion waving and riding the Homecoming float wearing her crown and sash in a wholesome small town parade. The events dramatically unfold as we see exaggerated, blurry camera work that spells out the juxtaposition between an unnamed middle-aged man – one of many largely useless ancillary male characters in this filmic receptacle for out-of-work actors – in the crowd looking lasciviously at her, and her parents smiling proudly. Of course, as Rebecca leaves the float and heads towards the crowd, the unnamed man follows her, and she decides to walk briefly through a poorly-lit back alley, allowing him to have his way with her as the scene fades and we flash to four years later. We thankfully never have to see her coming to terms with the rape, but we do walk away with a lucid explanation for the emotional damage that tritely leads to all her ridiculously bad decisions regarding men throughout the rest of the film.

We are fed some important plot information as we learn that Rebecca has overcome some of her trauma by getting really into triathlons by day and also deciding to go above and beyond being a nurse and go to medical school by night. Though we never see her actually taking any classes or doing anything at the hospital besides gossiping with her co-workers and rejecting them when they attempt to make sexual advances towards her, throwing up in the bathroom or complaining about how much work she has to do, the frantic royalty free music tells us she is very busy and also somewhat lonely.

… Enter the deliciously elderly Dick Strang (Matheson), who pops a wheelie on his red penis of a motorcycle to impress Rebecca while she is running one day and unfairly forces her to have to show an actual emotion (anger). Millionaire Dick Strang holds several important positions, including getting sued, yelling at people on toaster-sized phones, flying to undisclosed locations and misogyny. Only one of these jobs seems to be full time (the misogyny), so he ends up eventually having a lot of time for vacations and convincing impressionable, damaged young women that he is totally awesome.



Dick stalks Rebecca silently until he completes his first and only napkin masterpiece – a childlike drawing of her running and him riding his motorcycle – which he passes to her while she’s eating alone at a restaurant. The ice is broken as she realizes that he must have been an art major, so he has to be pretty damn sensitive, and they begin their unlikely, initially sexless courtship.

If awkward romantic moments were dollars, Doherty and Matheson would have probably been paid more to be in this movie. As their relationship deepens (and she reveals that she was basically having promiscuous sex and doing hard drugs to overcome her abuse – while apparently also managing to become an R.N. – during the four years we missed), we discover that though she can have robotic sex in red silk nightgowns with Dick, she is still pretty sexually dysfunctional as she announces, “I don’t even let my mom see me naked.” That’s quite a bold statement, considering well-adjusted women call their mothers on a regular basis to come over and inspect their business. Once they break the sex barrier, Dick starts to lure her deep into the seedy, graffiti-patterned-high-cut-briefs-riddled world of fitness modeling and she struggles to stay awake as she attends random fundraisers and dinners and becomes the uneven-eyed face of his growing business empire.

Just before their relationship goes sour (shortly before Rebecca discovers she is pregnant with Dick’s child), she finds out he’s actually married when his wife shows up on their doorstep ranting, stating his full name approximately ten times interspersed with some G-rated expletives, which she apparently learned from her husband who regularly uses forceful words like “crummy” and “crap” to make particularly strong points. She also says, “There’s never been anyone but Dick in my whole life,” which is pretty easy to mishear as “There’s never been anything but Dick in my whole life,” particularly when his name is repeated by at least one character in the movie every 30 seconds to help us make the connection between the fact that his name is Dick and he also IS a total dick. The lesson we learn when Rebecca leaves him for one night to stay with her parents and Dick shows up the next day having magically started and completed his divorce proceedings overnight is that if you’re trying to convince your girlfriend that you’re really divorced, make sure it’s announced on the front page of your local paper the day it happens.

As their relationship continues its downward spiral, Tim Matheson’s wardrobe increases in intensity. Not only does he wear jeans that turn him into a human Double-Stuf Oreo™ and couple these with marvelously bland sport coats, but he also rocks the V-Neck sweaters from your high school boyfriend’s closet in 1991 and work-out gear that makes him look like a geriatric Danny Zucco … or like he just stepped off the stage after a Sha-Na-Na reunion special.



After an hour and fifteen minutes of loud arguing, open-fisted slapping, miscarriages and Witness Protection Program-style hiding out, Rebecca finally thinks she has some peace. Flying high on the wings of an anti-climactic court case, the result of which is her winning back her furniture, underwear and family photo albums from Dick, she decides there is no better way to celebrate than going down to the local donut shop in her convertible and eating an apple fritter in the parking lot. Big mistake, as she is shot in the spine by a Dick-hired man, and to add insult to injury, before she even gets one bite of the fritter. Her final act of strength is to reach up from the passenger side floor and dramatically honk the horn to call attention to her distress.

After a brief coma and receiving the startling news that she is now a paraplegic as well as some hot one-on-one innuendo-exchanging with her Latino physical therapist, Rebecca gets kicked out for being uninsured and starts to pursue a personal injury lawsuit against the now very estranged (in Europe) Dick. While researching her medical condition, she comes across a miraculously single doctor named Jerrold Petrofsky, “Jerry,” who is developing a machine that electrically stimulates muscles in the legs and has the potential to help her walk a marathon again (or kick the next man that wrongs her squarely in the nuts). Once she determines she is completely not sexually attracted to Jerry (because that’s what leads to trouble for women in relationships), she stalks him and successfully is able to trick him into allowing her to become his lab assistant.

One of Dick’s spies hunts down Rebecca while she is swimming at the research facility, and the good doctor saves her life by being there to hold her the only time during the movie Doherty is able to get really upset about anything. She introduces him to her parents to consummate the reality of the relationship. Just a tip, as taught to us by Doherty via Dubrovich, if you are a paraplegic and your parents suggestively ask you if your new husband-to-be is “good,” the best response is “He’s a good man.” The optional subtext is, “… and I can’t feel it when he’s in my vagina, but I suspect he’s there.”

Rebecca’s new deep love prompts her to proceed full force to get Dick off the streets. During a meeting with his sister (who has gone against her brother), they define another essential Lifetime movie principle. Dick’s sister states, “It won’t be safe until Dick is behind bars.” The translation of that statement is, of course, “NO woman will be safe until EVERYONE with a dick is behind bars.” Despite the defense’s attempts to prove Rebecca is incompetent with riveting, provable facts such as, “We have witnesses that will say she is a tramp,” she prevails and is awarded millions, though she believes she will never see any money because Dick is on the loose.

An inspirational movie theme song is only as powerful as its most over-used and vaguest cliché. “Standing alone on the edge of forever” and “Gotta be real strong/Keep hanging on/Do what you gotta do to survive” are stand-out lyrics in Sleeping with the Devil’s signature gem. The theme song (unheard until the final seven minutes of the film) has a chord progression that lilts eerily towards a full-on Rick Roll. A more pressing concern, however, is that after hearing just a few notes from the introductory piano that is as gentle as a warm spring day, or a vinegar-based douche, you will overdose on estrogen and immediately get your period. It also draws the important connection between walking the Honolulu Marathon with a walker less than a year after being told you will never walk again and marrying a research doctor as equally grand accomplishments for a woman.

The just desserts come at the end of the movie, when we discover that Dick Strang has been successfully and profitably running a fake passport ring using multiple identities. Proving he has the worst case of multiple personality disorder since the Yorke/Sargent debacle on Bewitched, he eludes the police for years despite never using any other first name besides “Dick” in any of his pseudonyms. He manages to get through customs freely despite having regular lawsuits filed against him during which his financial assets are scrutinized, but does not get busted for good until he fittingly becomes “Dick O’Toole” after growing a beard.

At the end of the film, an obligatory hotline for abused and battered women lingers on the screen as the inspirational theme song plays in the background and a friendly voice invites you to speak out against domestic violence. What it should say is, “If you were wronged by Tim Matheson in 1997, please call this number.”

Reviewed by Julia Rogers

Next Week: A Double Dose of Deuce!

We're thrilled to announce a very special week-long event coming up in just TWO days at Movie Deuce. Saturday, August 29th - Friday, September 5th is officially Double Deuce Week; we'll be celebrating the best, worst movies featuring your very favorite twins!



The party will start off right Saturday night with the world premiere of LMN's new original movie Stranger with My Face at 8 p.m. EST, based on the teen thriller (remember when people used to write books?) by Lois Duncan and starring perpetual mom Catherine Hicks (from Child's Play and one of the most generically-Jesus-infused television shows ever, Seventh Heaven) and Lifetime veteraness Alexz Johnson (of Final Destination 3 and the movie that broke the Tatonka rating scale, Devil's Diary).



We'll continue throughout the week with a different review of a twin-injected movie EVERY SINGLE DAY. Keep your plate empty for double helpings of wacky hyjinx, evil deeds and high-kicking, hard-punching action ... and very likely a heaping side of Guttenberg.



Help us harness the power of two ... don't miss Saturday's riveting premiere!

Up-Coming Shannen Doherty Alert!

We would be remiss if we failed to let you know when movies that we highly endorse are going to make an appearance. We would also be total failures if we didn't alert you the second any made-for-TV movie with Shannen Doherty was going to air.

So, let us excitedly tell you that tonight at 10 p.m. EST on one of our favorite channels, Lifetime Movie Network (LMN), the wonderful 1997 movie Sleeping with the Devil will air for about the 50th time this year. This classic is based (probably pretty loosely) on the real-life, mildly inspirational story of Rebecca Dubrovich (Doherty) and her bat-crap-eating-crazy, inexplicably rich husband (played by Tim Matheson, the bad guy in Fletch) who shoots her while she's eating at the drive-thru of an In-and-Out Burger and leaves her paralyzed from the waist down.

This movie epitomizes the joy that is a good 1990's TV (and particularly Lifetime) movie and includes everything from low-quality royalty free music with lots of saxophone, to a theme song that celebrates the joys and triumphs of womanhood. It also reminds us that running an entire marathon with a walker after being shot in the spine is as much of an accomplishment for a woman as marrying a doctor. Additionally, it magically creates a fantasy world in which Shannen Doherty makes a completely believable nurse-turned-spokesmodel (we really do love you, Shannen).

Stay tuned for a comprehensive review, but in the meantime, check your local listings and watch at 10 p.m.



Sleeping with the Devil Movie Trailer (in Low-Quality 1-D):

"Shrooms" (2007) -- "It's about to Get All Shroomy up in Here"

Tatonka Rating: 2.8
Director: Paddy Breathnach (yes, really)
Writer: Pearce Elliot
Actual Tagline: “Get Ready to Get Wasted.”




Shrooms is a little Irish jig of a darkly-trying-very-hard drug movie directed by Paddy Breathnach and written by Pearce Elliot, strangely released initially in Russia in 2007. The completely unmentionable cast includes actors and actresses that look vaguely like other famous actors and actresses:

Lindsey Haun as the overly-complicated female lead Tara who resembles a not-snaggle-toothed Kirsten Dunst (aka, Kirsten “Dunce”);

Jack Huston as Tara’s brooding Irish-ish boyfriend Jake (a chromosomally-challenged-looking, unfunny and not Shakesperean hybrid of Russell Brand and Orlando Bloom);

Max Kasch as Troy (Jason “P.U.s” – because you need at least one character that looks like someone from a Kevin Smith movie if you want to make a movie about stoners … preferably one that wears a hat);

Maya Hazen as the vaguely Asian girl Lisa that everyone keeps saying has breast implants but really just looks like a pre-pubescent Tia Carrera (Tea “Whore-era”);

Alice Greczyn as “the hairy one that is not any of the other female characters,” Holly;

Robert Hoffman as Bluto, the horniest, skinniest steroid addict ever … and the only person in the history of the world outside of Popeye named “Bluto.”

The most shocking news about this movie is, it was actually nominated twice for the Irish equivalent of the academy awards: “Best Director;” “Best Film.” (Did I mention someone farted on someone in it?)

The movie starts out with a yawning ramble through the 10 different companies that invested in it, including Magnet Pictures, Capitol and Ingenious Film Partners. Normally I would not fixate on the pre-opening credits, but in this case, it lasted for (what felt like) five minutes*, leaving me to wonder, “How many partners does it take to make a film set in rural Northern Ireland about a drug trip gone bad? And how did they find so many film companies to stand behind them in support of a movie that advertises (whether falsely or truly) that Ireland’s potentially biggest contribution to the world is its hallucinogenic mushroom supply?”

Once the actual story of the movie begins, after we learn two important plot elements through Tara’s denim-encrusted journal with a kitty on it – that she is taking her American friends to visit her quasi-boyfriend in Ireland and that she is deathly afraid of doing drugs – we immediately feel the explosive chemistry between two of the main characters – Bluto and Troy.** After appropriate amounts of guy-on-guy baggage claim conveyer belt wrestling and as little character development as possible, we’re out of the airport and deep into our introduction to non-stop, totally accurate Irish culture.



As they leave the airport in Jake’s off-white van, a ghetto-fied “Mystery Machine,” they manage to hit what appears to be a dirty unicorn (thanks to a lack of special effects budget, or perhaps an attempt at wise directing decisions, we never see exactly what it is) and bludgeon it to death to put it out of its misery. This introduces troll-like people that Jake refers to as the “indigenous people***;” they creep out of the woods as if smelling the delicious stench of dead mythological creature and babble incoherently while wielding filthy, rusty axes and drooling. In Ireland, the indigenous people eat these dirty unicorns for breakfast, lunch and dinner, as explained expertly by Jake, and if you hit one, you are supposed to give it to them to keep the peace.****

As we discover later on in the film, these inarticulate indigenous people can also be infuriating smartasses; they invite a panicked and running Lisa into their cabin and tell her they have a phone, which she complains doesn’t work. They proceed to mutter the only thing you can understand them say during the entire movie – “You asked if we had a phone … you didn’t ask if it worked.” I’m not quite sure how these mutants can be both brain damaged and able to comprehend the definitions of subtle phrases and linguistic nuances, but I’m guessing these idiot savants would also really appreciate one of my favorite comedic bits –

Man 1: “Do you know what time it is?”
Man 2: “Yes!”

After offering up a unicorn sacrifice, you are supposed to walk away casually as if nothing happened and start hunting for mushrooms in the woods in order to stock the drug party you have planned for the next day while setting up a campsite. However, first you need to leave your cell phones in the car; because drunk dialing is okay, but calling someone while tripping out on hallucinogens is a faux pas from which you might never recover.

The sextet leaves the van, and we discover the answer to an important question as Tara gives a couple very important party favors to Holly and Lisa – “If you were a chick, what would you be disappointed NOT to have while tripping out on shrooms?” Tampons and candy … that can later be fed to little mutant rat boys you encounter in the swamp in order to gain their friendship and trust.



With so many Irish supporters working day and night to make this film happen (albeit in Russia), you’d think someone would be able to find a real, out-of-work Irish actor to play the only main Irish character, Jake. However, despite being born in London, Jack Huston can’t even do a British guy doing an Irish accent, thus leaving the ghost stories he later tells around the campfire which are integral to the plot unintelligible. Fortunately, Jake somewhat enunciates all you really need to know: “massacred beyond belief;” “kid living with the feral dog” and “three-inch steel blade.”

Unfortunately, aside from some inadvertent unicorn poaching, the magic of the movie doesn’t truly begin until Tara – the drug-fearing, rule-abiding one of the bunch – decides the time is nigh for her to stop acting like a total priss and ends up taking and almost overdosing on what she later refers to as the “heroin of shrooms.” This mishap largely occurs because she is out of earshot when Jake describes that the mushrooms with the little black dots on them are Death’s Head Fungi and off limits to responsible trippers. As he explains, “Your heart explodes, and all of your lungs and kidneys.”***** When Troy asks what happens if you live, Jake basically implies that you become an ESP-infested superhero that can talk to the dead, tormented by your own demons. So, basically, Death Shrooms are the Red Bull of fungi … they give you wings! Unless, as we find out later, you’re jumping off the balcony of an abandoned insane asylum, and then, you still break your legs.



And now a break for A List of Essential Irish Definitions You Will Need to Know to Understand Important Concepts in Shrooms:

• “Dogging:” Essentially, voyeurism. The premise is that couples in Ireland “park” in the woods and flash their lights if they are open to having a stranger watch them and eventually participate. According to the American girls in Shrooms, this practice is “vile,” but in the end, not as vile as what goes on in “convent school,” which they attended.
  
  
• “E.S.P:” Early signs of this gift include knowing your boyfriend will attempt to save your life if you almost die when he is a few feet away from you and knowing that your horny 18-year old guy friend (Bluto) will follow a naked woman into the woods at night, and that she will kill him with the knife she happens to be carrying.
  

Speaking of Bluto, Shrooms also provides strong commentary on the dangers of steroid use. Bluto’s friends are regularly blaming steroids for his penchant for being “all up ons” everyone else’s girlfriend or boyfriend, calling people “douchebags” and for regularly making a play for anything that moves, including sometimes just a car window (or a talking cow).****** Eventually, he goes missing thanks to his own horniness and raging 'roidocity, and the plot thickens, much like the frog semen that fascinates Troy while he is supremely high.



If we learn nothing else from Bluto’s ominous disappearance, it’s that when the shrooms call, you stop looking for your friend and get in on the action. How many times are you going to be in Ireland in the rain digging for drugs with your friends and some weird vaguely Irish guy you probably met on the Internet?



A horror movie of either good or bad quality has to set itself up for a sequel. However, this one pretty much ties itself up by feeding you a fast-paced, very convenient twist in the last 30 seconds, delivered in flash-backs … or IS it a twist?

The benefit of a drug movie that is also a horror movie is, you’ll never know if it was real, or all one extended trip. My suggested sequel title is Shrooms 2: Use of Deadly Spores.

3 Actually Decent Filmic Elements about Shrooms:

1. The telescopic lens effect used to distinguish between Tara’s premonitions and reality.
2. The director’s occasional use of the power of suggestion instead of pure gore to make scene more effectively frightening.
3. A fairly good completely instrumental, REAL musical score that fits the horror genre very well.
   

Quotable Quote: Girl Fight!



In a particular scene, Holly and Lisa master the art of irreverence as they call each other out on their shortcomings after Holly is convinced that Lisa’s boyfriend Bluto was peeping on her tame make-out sessions with Troy.

Lisa: “What, you think he wanted to peek at your hairy ‘stache?”

Holly: “You know what, bitch? At least my tits are real.”

Lisa: “Ohhh … you wanna play like that, Chewbacca? ‘Cause I will rip that hair right off you.”

____________________________________________________________
Footnotes

*Is this the director’s cut?
**PLOT SPOILER – Unfortunately, their girlfriends Lisa and Holly have accompanied them on the trip, and they are never able to consummate their angsty, testosterone-infused love.
***You know, the indigenous people of Ireland … the ones that are not Colin Farrell or Liam Neeson or in famous rock bands … and that don’t live in the only cities most people know about, i.e., Dublin and sometimes (but not always) Belfast.
****Leprechauns are more of a desserty dish, like Spotted Dick or Bread Pudding.
*****ALL of your lungs?! I thought I only had six …
****** “Bluto Needs a Steroid Intervention … or to Join a Boy Band in which His Highlights Are Appreciated.”


Reviewed by Julia Rogers

An Introduction to the Tatonka Rating System

We will admit that at Movie Deuce, we pride ourselves in focusing on the negative. Our whole mission is to find you the worst entertainment for your money, especially if that money is the 99 cents you threw down on the counter at the drug store to purchase the last known living DVD copy of K-Pax. Therefore, you shouldn’t be surprised that our intricate rating system is based on the concept that the more clout we give something, the worse it is.

The Movie Deuce rating system is based on the “Tatonka” scene that sucked some of Kevin Costner’s credibility as a serious director and actor right out of him in the celebrated American epic Dances with Wolves.*



Some reviewers claimed the infamous scene featuring Costner and Graham Greene is the pinnacle of the whole movie; I even remember reading a comment once stating it was “the most famous and brilliant scene in movie-making history.”** However, Greene and Costner (as Kicking Bird and John Dunbar) making buffalo noises and putting fake finger ears on top of their heads while clawing the dirt and rejoicing, “Tatonka, tatonka!” is ridiculous and uncomfortable to watch in any universe … even if it was the official onset of their hot and heavy interracial bromance.

Therefore, let us explain the Movie Deuce Rating System, based on number of Tatonkas:

1 Tatonka = Too Good to Be Bad or Not Bad Enough in the Right Way to Be Good
2 Tatonkas = Pretty Bad, but Still Pretty Disappointing
3 Tatonkas = Delicious Head Cheese on a Stale, Generic-Brand Ritz Cracker
4 Tatonkas = The Devil's Diary or Friends 'Til the End
5 Tatonkas = Buffalo Patties on a Hot Log or a Deuce Dropped from a Great Height***

Please enjoy our site, and get ready for some major Tatonkage!



* If you’ve seen Water World, No Way Out or The Postman you already know this credibility was on shaky ground anyway.
** Hey, have you ever seen 2001: A Space Odyssey?
*** Our exact review descriptions are quite unofficial and are subject to change at any time.