Director: Neal Israel
Writer: Neal Israel (teleplay), Arnold Margolin (screenplay, story)
Actual Tagline: “Will Solve Any Case by Dinnertime.”
Suggested Tagline: “Will Do Anything for a Buck.”
Cast:
Mary Kate Olsen, as the Rebellious, Doesn’t-Give-a-Shit One
Ashley Olsen, as the Stuck-Up, Old-Lady-Hat-Wearing, Is-Afraid-of-Everything One
Tracy Nelson, as the fake mom (you might remember her as daughter of Ricky Nelson and the one that played a nun on the deuce-worthy television series Father Dowling Mysteries with Tom Bosley)
William R. Moses, as the dreamy fake dad (who has over 90 TV movies under his belt, usually playing the fake dad in those too)
An Additional Unnamed Cast of a Handful of Idiots with No Acting Skills or Dance or Musical Talent Whatsoever
The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Sea World Adventure is one of many mistakes made by the guardians of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen in the 1980’s and 90’s and explains why so many people age 18-25 are despised by older generations.
Despite being a quasi musical, no one was willing to take credit for having written the songs. The theme song, which apparently provides an opening for all parts of this episodic movie series is best listened to after imbibing a vat of malt liquor purchased from your local registered sex offender-staffed convenience store … or after smoking a pound of crack:
The story of this particular movie begins when the Olsen Twins’ fake parents – who are marine biologists at Sea World in Orlando, Florida (who we’d like to especially thank for endorsing this particular cinematic bowel movement) – invent a way to talk to dolphins. Their discovery is in great part thanks to their love of neglecting their children, who after a hard day of aggressively interrogating birds and Sea World mascots with their basset hound “Clue” still cannot find a plot for this movie.
While they are being babysat/harassed by and also criticizing two mimes named Flippy and Bobo in one of the kidnapping capitals of the world, the twins almost miss their daily dose of child abuse – performing dressed as penguins for tourists in the dolphin show. (Perhaps the only thing I have in common with Mary-Kate and Ashley is their hatred of mimes and the pleasure they get from verbally abusing them.)
The movie really starts to hit its stride once Mary-Kate and Ashley rap (because they can’t sing worth a damn) in penguin suits as dolphins do their bidding. Winning lyrics from their musical extravaganza include those found in a quirky back-and-forth between the sisters, which throws you into a tailspin because you pretty much can’t tell them apart without their signature hats:
Sister 1: “I said, go.”
Sister 2: “I said, whoa.”
Sister 1: “I said, play.”
Sister 2: “I said, hey.”
The song reaches Shakespearean levels when it collapses onto itself like a dying star with “Hey comma comma c’mon, comma comma c’mon let’s jump the moon/We’re so much in tune I want to flip.”
Their public humiliation complete, the twins go onto their next fit babysitter, a maniacal 30-something woman (who must be a recurring character in the series) who tells them a story about a girl named Cindy and some pizzas … and an old lady that shoves gingerbread into someone’s face before or after seeing some gerbils. While she is talking, they drift off and rudely interrupt her by doing what they do for most of this particular episode – talking about not having a case to solve and illegally spying on people.
A seeming non-sequeter (until the very end), the twins’ parents’ boss tells them they better take a vacation or he’s going to call child welfare on them for forcing their children to have to pretend to be detectives instead of behaving like normal children (or at least he implies he’s going to take some drastic measures to get them to stop working). Thankfully, he never really makes good on his threat, as he depends on the twins for entertainment, provided in great supply when he makes up fake cases for them to solve that almost get them killed, raped or kidnapped on his days off.
The twins finally find a case about 15 minutes into the episode when they discover what they think is a corpse in the woods (yep!) and are thrilled to report it. As they are running off to tell a local policeman, the dead body gets up and leaves a wallet behind, which they find when they come back to nothing.
As they are following the clues (which lead them on a trip up in the Sea World Sky Tower), we learn something that might have helped us take down the Olsen Empire before it became catastrophically problematic: Ashley is deathly afraid of heights.*
The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Sea World Adventure takes a turn towards Weekend at Bernie’s until the bitter end, when the twins start seeing a woman parading the corpse in a trench coat around Sea World, taking it on rides and generally pretending it is alive and having one hell of a good time.
And now a break for “Precious Moments to Support Good Parenting in The Adventures of Mary Kate and Ashley: The Case of the Sea World Adventure”
1. At one point, Mary-Kate declares, before doing one of many dangerous things that will lead to being kidnapped and becoming a hot commodity in human trafficking, “We’re detectives … detectives never think about safety.”
2. The twins flirt with the idea of taking a cab with a stranger, but their plan is thwarted not because of safety concerns, rather because they can’t afford it.
Their poor choices lead them to become buskers singing tribute songs to Miami (where they are trying to go). Fortunately, they meet a steel drum band that is willing to put their ramblings to music, dress up in whorish Flamenco outfits and combine forces to sing about Pastrami, Afro Cuban music and Key Lime Pie. Of course, random crowd people start helping them by doing a dance that looks to have been choreographed by Ed Grimley, but really wants to be an exact replica of the stairs dance scene during the big parade in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Thankfully, people in Miami are more than willing to pay top dollar for high-quality, live kiddy porn and the duo makes $98.50, enough to hire a limo to drive them to Miami.
And then, this movie goes one place with a dead body that Weekend at Bernie’s never went – a Carnival Cruise ship (but I’m betting Carnival wouldn’t have had the balls to capitalize on the death of Terry Kiser).
All-in-all, this is a great series to watch when you’re deliriously sick and stuck at home with nothing but Netflix instant watch by your side. It would also be fuel for a really high-volume drinking game.
PLOT SPOILER, so you can avoid watching this entirely: The dead body is Flippy the mime, and Bobo is a transvestite.
BONUS: It’s only 28 minutes long, and there’s a blooper reel at the end.
Reviewed by Julia Rogers
*If an Olsen Twin is pushed off a cliff, and there is no one around to hear it, does she still make a sound?
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